I’m FOOLING myself ?!
Dec 12, 2019
https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=3EGNFZU62Vs

[Music]
hey you guys welcome to vlogmas day 11 I
am so sorry that I am running late
I know call me a loser it has been one
of those days once again where I'm just
been cleaning and I decided to take the
kids out for a little bit this evening
and it was raining and so dark that it
was really hard to see I was having an
extremely hard time seeing the roads and
stuff so it took a little bit longer
than I was expecting to get back and
then we were trying to just get the
house cleaned up and get dinner finished
and stuff like that so anyways I'm here
I'm promised my goal was is I want to do
another nail tutorial because I am ready
to put on another set of nails because
yeah I just named my nails so I don't
know if I'm gonna include that in
today's vlog or if I'm going to make it
a separate vlog for maybe tomorrow's
vlog Me's I don't know we'll see but um
anyways I was approached by somebody her
name is Elaine I don't know her last
name right off the top of my head but I
do know her first name is Elaine and I
don't know if you guys remember about I
I want to say it was in June or like
late June early July I had did a
giveaway and a lady by the name of Alain
won my giveaway and during that time was
when me and my family were kind of going
through some hard times financially we
were possibly gonna have to move I had
so much stuff on my plate at that very
moment she so sweetly kindly said hey
Amy you know what put that to the
backburner and when you have time you
know you can make me my give away gift
or you know then you can send it to me
or whatever she's like but I want you to
really focus on your family and the
things that need to be done
and I was so thankful for her being
understanding well I completely forgot
spaced it 100% because let's just face
it I'm a space cadet and yeah spacing is
what I do best so months later I get
this message that says are you still
going to make my cup and I was like your
cup and I'm thinking in the back of my
head I'm thinking my gosh I don't
remember taking any orders for cups
because I am NOT doing orders for cups
anymore
so I was like oh my god did I take
somebody's order and completely forgot
to make their cup and I was trying my
hardest to remember but nothing was
coming to light for me so I text the you
know Elaine back and I said I am sorry I
said I don't remember having a
conversation with you about getting a
cup made I said I apologize so much I
said I looked through our conversation
here and we didn't have that
conversation on this platform so maybe
I'm misunderstanding in like where we
had this conversation she said I I asked
her she could remind me because you know
and so she was like I'm the one that won
the giveaway a few months ago but told
you just to go ahead and you know hold
off on making it until you guys settled
down and I was like oh my gosh
I completely forgot I completely spaced
it and I fell so bad I oh my gosh so
excuse me so I do want to say a public
apology to Elaine for allowing this
amount of time to go by I would never
ever ever do this on a normal basis like
I cannot believe that I can completely
forgot and so I just want to say I'm
sorry in front of everybody so that you
know I am truly sorry I would never ever
ever have done not just because of
purpose
just forgetting so I did want to
definitely say I'm going to be getting
your cup shipped out and I do want to
show you so that we can show everybody
the cup that you won back at that time
and it's perfect timing now because it's
winter time it's cold and hot chocolate
or hot coffee would be great
so here is your cup that you won it says
coffee is my best friend and it's a
16-ounce coffee coffee mug so
congratulations on your winnings once
again Elaine I just don't want people to
think that I'm like one to do something
and then forget it because I really try
not to I know during that time there was
a lot going on and so very easily I
could have forgotten but I don't like
doing that because I know if I want
something I would want my gift so I
completely hear you and I understand and
I hope you accept my apology because I
am so sorry
and I am sorry to everybody for these
last few months it has been pretty crazy
to be all honest you know we're still
we're still trying to figure out our our
path you know I mean we're doing much
better than where we were a few months
ago thankfully but you know it's still
very very raw to what we were going
through and the fear is still there to
make sure that we cover all of our bases
so that we never find herself in that
you know verdict human again we're we're
just like at a dead end and we just
don't know what we're going to do so you
know I think we have definitely learned
our lesson I think that we have learned
the lesson of budgeting you know and
putting money where it needs to go I
mean does that mean that we don't ever
buy anything absolutely not we
do but now we do it very rarely it's on
a very rare occasion will you see us
spending money outside of our bills and
things like that and eating out we don't
really do that anymore I mean once in a
very blue moon we might but it's not
something we do on a daily basis because
we don't want to spend the money on that
so anyways I just you know want to say
thank you to everybody that has stood by
for the last few months when things have
been a little bit different a little bit
all up in the air going from doing daily
vlogs down to you know not having a
constant schedule of days that I'm
putting up to just spontaneously putting
up to now we're in vlog knees so you
know but that's that's the joy of life
you know I don't think that we set out
to have certain things happen in our
life but sometimes those things happen
it teaches us lessons and we therefore
can make another you know another path
for our family are your life to go and
that's just what we're doing at this
point and you know I think too it has
really brought me even the last few
months with like even my relationships
and how I have contributed my time to
you know my phone and to personal
relationships with people you know I
don't find myself you know people say
sometimes I'll see messages of or
comments oh she's on you know she's on
live all the time she's on other
people's lives all the time and it might
seem like that but you have to
understand that there are times where if
my kids are doing their own personal
things you know I don't see myself being
in the wrong for studying my phone up or
whatever it is at that moment and
participating in alive but I no longer
just sit on my phone all day and do that
I don't just sit around and not be
proactive with the kids is
you know preschool you know I do that
every week we're doing preschool I'm
preparing Omar for kindergarten this
coming fall and so there's a lot of
things that are evolving in our family
and you guys are right along with the
ride you know you're seeing this family
transform into something different I
mean right before your eyes
my duty that I have been for many many
many many many many years have come to
an inn and you guys are watching it
everything from taking care of children
and my life from the moment I wake up to
the time I go to bed has once 100% has
been revolved around kids and focusing
on kids and you know everything being
about kids so with me being like for the
last how many years I mean since I was
well I have been in family where it's
been little kids since I was 12 and I
started helping run daycare at the age
of 14 and I have done kids since then
and I mean I'll be 39 this coming year
and so it's been all about children and
now with having my own kids
Omar is at that age are Maya's at that
age where now he does his own thing he's
kinda in his own little world he he's
too cool for being with mom and dad and
you know he's got his own friends he's
got his own phone he's got his you know
his game station stuff he's got you know
his own social media stuff that he deals
with and it's like you know now I've got
Omar that's gonna be going into
kindergarten in fall so he's gonna be an
all day school so then it's just gonna
be me and s her during the day and that
is gonna be such a difference you know
because and that year's gonna go so fast
where she's gonna be going into school
and I'm just like now I'm sitting here
like what am I gonna do here in a couple
of years where my kids are all gonna be
in full-time school and it's gonna open
up such a wide variety of things that I
will finally be able to do
and so now I'm trying to find that niche
like what am I gonna do I really really
really want to focus on driving this
business with my shirts with my shirt
designing and stuff that is what I
really altom Utley that's what I want to
do I have all the equipment for it I've
put lots of money into it and I really
really really want my business to
explode beyond all that my biggest thing
is I would like to be able to really
focus on my business and make it a
successful home business of my own that
when ollie is working full-time and gone
my kids are in full-time school you know
I'm gonna be at home being able to do my
work and that way when you know
everybody's home in the evening time we
all then have our family time but during
the day time we all have our spots that
were supposed to be in is to find out
what is the next step in life what is
the new thing you know there's so many
things ahead of me what are the things
that I want to focus on and I've didn't
I you know and I've really been asking
myself that because you know everybody
at the beginning of the year has the new
traditions and they knew this and they
knew that and you know majority don't
stick to their new tradition or their
new New Year's resolution that's what
I'm trying to think of and I just you
know I want so bad this year to be
something I just found out I have a mole
right there ha ha ha ha all right that's
a little weird
anyways I just want this next year to be
something that I can definitely be able
to look back on and be like wow this was
a good year for us and I I really
wholeheartedly feel like it's going to
be a good year for us everything from
[Music]
financially you know I believe that
we're going to be able to step our
game up a little bit and get our feet
under us and truly get out of where we
have been the last couple of years but
the last few months have been the worst
and things are looking up for us already
you know but are we where we want to be
absolutely not will we ever be where we
want to be I think we'll be close but I
think we always hold ourselves to high
expectations and I don't know if we'll
ever meet all the expectations we have
before ourselves but I hope and pray
that we will meet majority if not most
of the goals that we set before
ourselves because they're all ones that
will only just make our family better
but our children's lives better as we go
on you know and they continue the legacy
of our family so I don't know I've been
really sitting back this last couple of
days and really just figuring out things
figuring out what are gonna be my real
straight goals this coming year and I
know my health is my top number one I
know that I have to take my health as
being the first thing that I put at that
list because if I don't focus on my
health and I won't be here long enough
to focus on anything else and I know
that so I know that that is one thing
that I have honestly have been really
struggling with the last couple of
months but the last few weeks really
intensively I've really been struggling
and I've been transparent with you guys
I have been honest with you guys because
you know I don't feel like lying is
going to get me anywhere and in reality
at the end of the day Who am I fooling
you know I'm I would only be fooling
myself if I was trying to say oh I'm
doing good or oh yeah I'm losing weight
oh I'm exercising or you know whatever
it is the only person I'm fooling is
myself if I honestly think that me lying
to you guys would get me by anywhere and
I don't I don't feel I need to lie I I
don't I have never been one of those
people that feel like lions gonna get
you anything so you might as well just
tell the truth
be honest don't lose that try
with the people you have trust with and
continue on that relationship that I
have with you guys to know that I will
always be honest with you guys even if
it is me struggling or even if it is me
not meeting the goals that I've put
before myself at least me being honest
is the best thing I can do and the first
step to making a difference is how I see
it so you know there's just been a lot
of a lot of things going through my mind
this last few weeks I've really been
emotionally I told you guys that I've
been kind of going through a little bit
of things emotionally and I've been
finding myself eating my emotions and do
I use that as an excuse no but I I know
that that is my cope and so it doesn't
surprise me I guess I would say that
I've been more leaning towards food to
help comfort me right now during the
times that I've been kind of going
through and what I'm talking about is
I'm sure a few months ago I I had talked
to you guys about someone that was
passing and not going and seeing them
and mmm
having that closure and already closed
having that closure and things like that
and last Monday my grandmother passed
away and my dad's mom she was 93 years
old and you know I have a past with her
for a lot of reasons not the best past
so it's not like the best memories I
thought that I was okay with the
decision I made which was not to fulfill
that plan to go and talk to her and see
her for the last time I thought that I
was okay I thought that I had it all
together and when I found out that she
had passed it just kind of set me into a
little bit of a shock
I knew what was gonna happen I mean I I
know death is gonna happen at anytime
for anybody and I you know I knew she
was gonna pass eventually because she's
getting older but it still is you don't
want to hear that from anybody about
anybody I don't care if it's someone
that's 300 years old you know it's just
the fact of somebody you know their life
coming to a final end here on this earth
it's like oh okay you know now we're
moving into the next step of of this
whole person you know process in life
and it took me a few days to really
process the whole thing and kind of
coming to grips with my decision and I
kind of regret the decision that I made
to not go and at least make closure what
would that closure been I don't know I
don't know what I was looking for and I
don't know if I really know now but I
think I think I was tougher than I
really am and I think that it just
affected me a little bit differently
than I thought it was gonna affect me
you know when my great grandma passed
away which I was very close with her
again it well hers I mean she was older
but hers was a little bit different she
fell when she got hurt and you know she
hit her head and it just she went
downhill from there and she passed in
the hospital even her it was different I
was there the day she passed I was the
one that noticed she had not taken any
more breaths and so I feel like you know
I grieved but I didn't grieve a sadness
I grieved a different type of grief as
in with this grandma that passed away I
kind of grieved a sadness and I think
that sadness is because I so wish that I
could think back on my childhood with
her and
of all the good things that we had as
memories and I don't have really any of
those memories I you know I'm not gonna
say and I'm not talking about on her you
know she's past and that's not for me to
talk about anymore but I think at this
point in life now okay I know that road
has closed I know that her life has come
to an end and what has happened has
happened I need to come to an acceptance
with it I need to be like okay you know
what this is life and you know I I have
to now move on I have to let that go and
I have to stop focusing on that I need
to stop driving on that only thing like
there's so much more around in life that
is still going I can't continue to focus
on that and I know that I know that is
it easy no it's not but little by little
every day has become a little bit better
on me starting to really let those bad
memories just go and really start
focusing on my kids my husband me my
home and and do what I love which is
doing my youtube channel focusing on my
business bringing my babies up you know
doing preschool with the little ones
doing homework with Jeremiah being able
to welcome my husband home every evening
when he walks through the door for my
hard works you know day of work and you
know prepare our dinners for us and
really start focusing on my health and
my weight I think it's time that I have
to I have to focus on my weight I have
to start making that be the the one
hundred percent dry force thing when I
wake up when I go to sleep at night be
that that only
because you know what I know at the end
of the day I can't change what's
happened in the past I can't make
different the things that happen in the
past nobody can go back into my past and
fix it
there's no magic wand there's no crystal
ball there is nothing and that's going
to make different for my past
all I can do is say okay you know what
that is the past and I've got the future
I've got right now and let's move
forward and so that's really what I have
been really really really really just
really focusing on and working on
because I am ready for this I want to go
into the year of 2020 as a whole new
person
a whole new person I want to come become
this person that focuses on my inner
beam
you know focuses on my outer beam you
know focus on my weight learn to it love
myself but still love myself enough to
know that I want to change because I
want to be here and I want to be alive
for my children I want to live to 93 I
want to live to 120 I shoot I don't want
to die I know that's not gonna happen
but you know what I'm saying like I
don't want an early death date just
because I'm stuck in the past
and that's what's gonna happen my past
is going to kill me if I don't make it
my past kill it once and for all and
make my future be my only focus that's
that's it that's just that is it and so
that is what I I don't know where in the
world I drug on to that one but wasn't
that a talk but you know that's that's
it you know I think tomorrow I'm well
tonight I later I'm gonna sit down and
I'm gonna be writing out my you know my
my 2020s vision board I really want to
work on a vision board I really want to
put forth some major things that I want
to focus on for the year 2020 and I want
to meet those goals once and for all I
want to finally end a year and say you
know what I meet
every one of those goals and I am damn
proud of it
you know I don't want to come to the end
of a year and say darn it I didn't meet
my goals because of this this this this
you know let's start a whole nother year
because we could say that ever here and
never finish it you know but then again
who again who are we fooling we're
fooling ourselves not fooling anybody
else you guys can see it so the only
person that I would be fooling is myself
if I'm saying that you know I met those
goals when I know darn well I didn't I
didn't so anyways you guys I'm in a
close I told you guys this is gonna go
up very late I apologize I am so sorry
I'm really shooting to try and get my
vlogs out by five o'clock but my time
but clearly I don't know if that's
always gonna happen there might be even
days where I put two vlogs separate
videos put them up on the same day but
different vlog nice that way then you
guys kind of get him earlier in the day
rather than at you know like right now
it's 8:00 it's 8:20 here so 8:00 it's
like 11:20 in other places and I know
that that's pretty late to be putting a
video up so I might even actually wait
until tomorrow to put this video up so
you guys will get this video vlogmas day
11 and you guys will get vlogmas day 12
but in separate videos but a little bit
earlier in each other's day I'll
probably put this one up I'll schedule
this one to go live at like 10 o'clock
and then I'll make sure that I do
vlogmas day 12 earlier so you guys see
it earlier but anyways you guys I love
you thank you so much for being here to
ride on this crazy train with me of life
and not giving up on me and continuing
to support me I love you guys so much
for that and I could not be more
grateful to have each and every one of
you guys here with me I love you once
again have a blessed blessed day and I
will talk to you guys again tomorrow
stay blessed you guys bye bye
you
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